As a teenager, Robby Astrove quickly accepted his illness. He didn’t want to dwell on what he couldn’t change. So he focused on his passions — playing the drums, cooking and planting trees.
As the years passed, he found himself wanting someone to dance to his drumbeat, someone to inspire his ethnic cuisine, someone to lie by his side and lounge in the shade of all those trees.
On a misty Valentine’s Day, as Robby sat on a Florida beach with a college classmate named Danielle Arellano, he sensed he’d found the perfect partner.
They’d been dating for two months. He had already called his mom and told her there was this girl with a carefree spirit he “really, really liked.”
After watching a pink sunset and eating fresh berries, Robby turned to Danielle and said, “I have something to tell you.
“I have HIV.”
What women want
It was eight years ago that Danielle and Robby met as seniors at Florida State University. Introduced at a friend’s house, they clicked. He played drums with a salsa band. She was in an African dance troupe. That night, he played the drums and Danielle shimmied to the funky beat.
On the eve of Valentine’s Day 2001, Robby had suggested that they skip class, drive to the coast and watch the sunset. Robby prepared an abundant fruit salad with fresh berries, mango and papaya.
Cuddling at the shore’s edge with waves approaching their bare feet, Danielle and Robby started talking about getting intimate.
Robby’s mom, Lorri Kovach, had prepared her son for this moment years earlier.
“Before he went to college, I asked him, ‘What do you think women want?’” recalled his mom. “And he said, ‘Flowers?’ and I said, ‘Well, yes, I guess,’ but I told him every woman wants a choice: She needs to decide whether she wants to stay in the relationship. ... I told Robby, you have a different story.”
Upset, Robby asked: “What if she doesn’t want to be with me?”
“Well, if she doesn’t, that’s her choice,” replied his mother. “But if she does, think how wonderful that will make you feel to have that understanding.”
Still, Robby knew opening up about the virus could go badly.
A year earlier, he had dated another girl. He told her from the get-go about his HIV. Though she continued to see him, after a month she said she couldn’t keep going.
“She said, ‘I care about you, but I can’t do this,’” said Robby. “And I said, ‘I get it, I get it,’ and that was it.”
He felt much closer to Danielle. He saw a kindred spirit, someone who shared his commitment to volunteering and concern for the environment. She tutored children at a homeless shelter. He helped farmers harvest crops.
Of course, HIV might be a deal breaker for Danielle.
Robby shared his story. He was 3 days old when he suffered a severe case of pneumonia and, near death, was given three life-saving blood transfusions. That was 1978, before blood was stringently tested for hepatitis C and the yet-to-be-identified HIV virus.
The diagnosis didn’t arrive until 16 years later. A drummer in a rock band, Robby got a blister on this thumb that swelled with a staph infection and required three days in the hospital. His mom, long having an inkling something wasn’t quite right, wanted an HIV test. Robby was in relatively good health. But, ever since he was 5, his mom noticed that Robby would run a very high fever — as high as 104 — whenever he caught a cold. And mosquito bites sometimes got infected and needed to be treated with antibiotics.
When told of his diagnosis by a weeping immunologist, Robby simply said: “OK, so what do we do now?” He refused to wallow in self-pity.
For that next year, Robby’s mom and sister Ryann did everything for him: brought him breakfast in bed, scratched his back and did all of his chores. That stopped when Robby showed he was going to keep living a full and happy life.
He now wanted to share that life with Danielle.
Danielle listened, so stunned she could barely speak.
The two returned to campus. The mood was heavy. Robby headed home to celebrate a Jewish holiday.
Danielle stayed in her apartment and called HIV/AIDS hot lines. She called a close friend. She tried to process the earth-shattering news.
“I have two paths,” she thought. “Do I stay with Robby? This is a very scary thing, a new thing, a very real thing. ... Or do I break up with Robby and not deal with it and never know if I would ever meet anyone like him?”
Five days later, Danielle made her decision. She left a handwritten note on Robby’s doorstep with a vine wreath with flowers and a clay dolphin she made for him.
“First, I have to tell you, I think you are amazing. No joke,” she wrote in the letter. “My ‘journey’ began when you told me you are HIV positive. ... As we sat on the sand, I watched the water close to my feet and felt your skin against my cheek, and I thought of you. I really didn’t have questions or smaller thoughts — just one churning mass of feeling. I almost wanted to cry, but I focused on the water droplets, and they spoke for me.”
“And the Robby I know, virus or no virus, deserves the most. ... When it comes down to it, you know how to live and how to love — you know how to laugh and play and explore and feel. I feel like we see eye to eye, or at least you see into mine and, however simple that sounds, it is a very powerful thing.”
The relationship survived and got stronger. Danielle loved Robby’s patience and how he still hadn’t given up on teaching her how to body surf. She got a kick out of his cheesy jokes. And she thought it was the cutest thing ever how he always mismatched his socks.
She knew if she stayed with Robby, she would not be able to have children through conventional means. But, open to adoption, Danielle never felt she would be making too big of a sacrifice.
At the same time, Robby adored Danielle’s sweet nature. She was genuine and industrious. He was blown away by her ability to turn tagua seeds from Colombia into such pretty necklaces.
Still, Danielle’s love alone was not enough to give her peace. Close to her family, she was petrified her parents would not give their blessing to the relationship. Danielle and Robby waited two years to share the news of his HIV. It was a dinner at Danielle’s parents’ house. Just the four of them, the conversation turned to babies, and Danielle kicked Robby under the table. Here was the moment.
Just as Robby started to share his secret, Danielle burst into tears, so nervous about her parents’ reaction that she was shaking. Up many sleepless nights, she was overwhelmed with emotion.
Danielle’s father started to cry. Danielle’s mother, Jean, also broke down. She turned to Robby and said, “We love you like a son. This doesn’t change who you are.” The four grabbed each other’s hands and began praying.
“Robby is a fantastic human being and to have so many difficulties and never blaming anyone or pointing the finger,” Pablo Arellano said last week. “He never did that. I admired him. And, after he told us the news, we embraced him even more because what he needs is not just understanding, but love.”
Danielle’s father said what he sees is a love so true, and so real, not even HIV can stand in its way.
“They are a unique couple. They understand each other. They know what each other needs. They have mutual interests. They are smart and hard working. And, above everything, they love each other a lot.”
In 2007, Danielle and Robby exchanged vows at a park along the intracoastal waterway in Florida. Of the 150 guests attending the ceremony, about half knew the groom was HIV-positive. Beginning today, they will all know.
Show the world
Robby and Danielle moved to east Atlanta two years ago so Danielle could get her master’s degree in public health at Emory University. Robby landed his dream job as a program coordinator with Trees Atlanta. Robby and Danielle also got involved in AID Atlanta.
Today, Robby and Danielle take another big step in their journey. They are the spokespeople for the AIDS Atlanta Walk – the first married couple ever to be the face of the annual walk, organized by AID Atlanta.
Until now, most friends, colleagues and former classmates have had no idea that Robby, known for his energy and enthusiasm, is HIV-positive.
Robby and Danielle will lead 10,000 walkers gathering today at Piedmont Park. Dozens of family members, including their parents, will join them in the 5K trek.
“We want to show the world that a healthy, nurturing relationship is possible and that you can live a full life,” said Robby.
In the past, Robby said, he always felt “99.9 percent” of people don’t need to know about his diagnosis. But as he hit his 30th birthday — and 30 years with the disease — he knew he wanted to mark the year with something monumental. Asking to lead thousands of walkers seemed a perfect way to do this. Before the walk, Danielle and Robby sent out a mass e-mail, telling people:
“Acquiring HIV and Hepatitis C at birth ... is not how most people start their life journey. And we didn’t find out until I was 16. SURPRISE!” said Robby in the e-mail, which then addresses his relationship with Danielle. “Importantly, we’ve learned to respect this disease: when to rest, when to fight and how to be safe. We are a team. ... Please stand with us in celebration and support of 19 years of AIDS Walk Atlanta. ... Like yours and ours, every life deserves hope!”
Mark Herbert, a nurse practitioner at AbsoluteCare Medical Center, which specializes in the treatment of HIV/AIDs, said Robby is in “excellent” health. Robby’s HIV has not developed into AIDS, Herbert said.
Herbert believes Robby’s nurturing relationship with Danielle, combined with his “very positive” attitude, are keys to his good health.
Recently, Robby got a flu shot and got an infection in the tiny injection spot.
“I had to call Robby and tell him he would have to come in and get antibiotics through an IV for it,” said Herbert. “He pretty much took in stride.”
For now, Robby goes to AbsoluteCare a couple times a year for checkups. In the meantime, he takes five pills once a day. He also takes herbal supplements and eats a very healthy diet, rich in fruits and vegetables, many of which Robby and Danielle grow themselves.
The pills don’t always agree with Robby. Sometimes, they give him muscle stiffness. But Danielle is there to remind him to keep taking his medication.
“I tell him, ‘You are not just taking them for you. But you are taking them for us.’” said Danielle.
Planting trees
Robby and Danielle love going to the drive-in and shopping at the DeKalb Farmers Market. They love gardening and cooking their bounty: tomatoes, and basil and eggplants. He chops the vegetables; she seasons them with homemade curry and other sauces. They love to listen to music: hip hop, salsa, even crunk.
“One of us could be reading a book and the other cranks up the music and we just drop everything and dance,” said Robby.
And sometimes the dance-party-for-two is lit by a string of lights spelling “Love” in their fireplace.
“What do I want to keep close to my heart? Do I want to dwell?” Robby asked rhetorically. “I want to do great things and concentrate on being who I am. I want to survive, live, have fun and do as much as possible. ... Everyone is dealt cards, and I feel like I have a good hand.”
It’s not all about philosophy. Their relationship is a physical one, too. Robby uses a condom every time. Danielle gets tested at her annual checkup and is in perfectly good health.
Robby and Danielle plan on pursuing adoption in a couple of years.
They are well aware that HIV could likely cut their love story short. But it’s not something they obsess over.
“I’ve been on this earth 30 years now and, for me, it’s about legacy and not, ‘Time will run out,’” he said. “The planting of trees is an expression of this. I’ll never be around for the finished project, and I won’t see many of the trees grow to full size, but I want to watch as much as I can.”
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If you go
What: The 19th annual AIDS Atlanta Walk. About 10,000 walkers are expected to participate in the event, which is anticipated to raise about $985,000 for a variety of organizations assisting people with HIV.
When: Sunday. Registration begins at noon. Runners start at 1:45 p.m. Walkers begin at 2 p.m.
Where: Piedmont Park
Cost: Free
Info: www.aidatlanta.org
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Blood transfusions
In the 1970s and early 1980s, thousands of people were infected with HIV through blood transfusions because the blood supply was not screened for HIV and other viruses. But since 1985, all blood used in the United States is tested for HIV. The blood supply today is considered very safe, and the risk of contracting HIV is extremely low.
Due to advances in donor screening and blood testing, the American Red Cross estimates the risk of contracting HIV through a blood transfusion is about 1 in 2 million.
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How we got the story
Helena Oliviero spent hours with Robby and Danielle and did more than 15 interviews for this story. She also interviewed several of Robby and Danielle’s family members.
They shared personal keepsakes including the letter Danielle wrote Robby just days after learning that he was HIV-positive.
Robby signed a waiver to allow the AJC to interview his health care provider, Mark Herbert of AbsoluteCare Medical Center.
Decatur's Crystal Fowler calls her fashion sense 'sophisticated chi
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